Consequences

I am hoping to write more about parenting issues because I think about this stuff a lot, and I hope that writing will help to organize my thoughts and explain my unconventional parenting style to anyone who is interested.

So my sister suggested to me yesterday that I may need to introduce consequences to my boys who at almost 4 are definitely a handful. I had actually been thinking about the use of consequences a lot lately, but really because I have been using consequences with them when I lose my temper, which seems to be happening about once a day, and had been feeling really guilty about it. I actually have committed myself to not using consequences or any other form of punishment with them. So let me try to explain why.

I see consequences essentially as a euphemism for punishment. Today we don't spank or send a child to their room, we impose consequences or send them to time out instead. I guess I feel like punishment doesn't work very well in the long run, no matter how kindly it is administered. Hey, maybe that's why I lose my temper so much--bottled up anger from when I was a kid! I remember being sent to my room and seething with anger while I sat in there, plotting my revenge against my parents and feeling totally powerless. It was a bad feeling and it definitely didn't help improve my behavior. I actually learned to be sneaky, lie, and believe that I was a bad person. Kids may comply out of the fear of consequences, but do we really want our kids to learn by fear? And let me add in case my parents happen to read this blog, that I know they were doing a lot better than their parents by not using corporal punishment. It was an improvement for sure!

So anyway, I believe these so called natural consequences also make a child feel powerless, just like a more severe punishment would. I want my children to feel powerful. I want them to believe they can be and do anything. I also want them to learn how to respectfully treat people so I need to model it myself. I want to understand that their behavior is the best way they know how to communicate at their young ages and that they are just searching for a way to feel good again. I want to see their behavior as an expression of some underlying need that is not being met and rather than punish them, find a way I can help them. I want to teach them healthy ways to do that by loving them, respecting them, and communicating with them.

I am working on it. I am working on not taking something from them when they are not using it inappropriately (and here mostly I am considering safety and really want to re-evaluate my thoughts about what kids should or should not do), but rather saying, let's sit down and work something out. We will always find a way is becoming our family motto--thanks, Scott Noelle-! I am working on increasing my affection and attention to liam when he gets angry and frustrated which show up as tantrums or hurting his brother. Rather than withdraw my love, I want to see that he is struggling and love him for that. Rather than sending him away from me in a time out, I try to bring him closer to show that he is good and that he will find his way.

I want to be more loving. Sometimes it helps to think of my kids as guests in my home. I would never treat a guest in the ways I treat my children. If a guest showed up late for dinner, would I say, too bad, now you don't get any dinner? No, I would understand there was a reason for their tardiness and lovingly offer them a meal. I want to do that for my children, too.

I do believe in truly natural consequences and the benefits of a child learning from them. For instance my friend told me the other day that her son decided to purchase a cheap plastic toy with the money he had earned. She let him make that choice and when the toy broke within a few hours, they talked about it and he learned by experience, which I think is the only way to learn, that maybe he might not want to buy a toy like that next time.

On the other hand, we all have our boundaries. I just believe that if we are in a space of love that our boundaries would be far less. So yes, maybe I would tell my child that no, i don't feel like making pancakes for him right now and that he could have cereal instead. I want to be authentic, but I also want to realize that letting go of my issues will really help me to gratefully, lovingly, and with great pleasure say yes to the requests of my child. I am working on it. I am finding my way.

I believe that all children are good and really want to do what is best for everyone. It is when I believe they are not, that they comply and behave that way. I want to trust that if love, respect, and caring are modeled, that they, when they are capable, will model that themselves. It's when we force them into compliance, which I believe models disrespect and lack of caring, that they become that way themselves. They learn to mask their true feelings and thwart their actions, inevitably suppressing them, only to resurface later and with stronger force.

So I am finding my way to letting go of my anger when I am unhappy with the boys' behavior. I am waiting to react until I feel centered and calm. So essentially, I am giving myself the time out from speaking!

Hey, writing this was actually really helpful to me! So now all 2 of my loyal blog fans (thanks Jill and Elizabeth!) will be hearing more from me!

In addition to the links I have posted on my blog, the following articles helped me formulate my opinions here: www.continuum-concept.org/reading/consequences.html and